Understanding your child’s world
Understanding Your Child’s World – How to deal with temper tantrums in a child
Before you can deal with temper tantrums you need to understand what is going on for your child and for yourself.
Somehow we have managed to infuse the age around a child’s most important and wonderful development with a very negative connotation as we call this period the terrible twos.
Even though this might be a challenging time for parents, it is an equally challenging time for your toddler, even more so. As it is around the age of two when the child is developing a self-identity and with this comes a huge shift in the way your child sees the world and him/herself.
A child’s frustration does not only arise in the interaction with others but also with one’s own expectations, which can lead to self-disappointment. The same, by the way, applies to parents equally.
Furthermore, it is very important especially at this age to recognise that your child has a very distinct temperament and this will guide him/her how he/she handles his/her experiences. And it is the temperament of your child that holds the key how you can handle his/her frustrations and temper tantrums.
Even though, there is no such thing as a ‘how to’ guide that applies to all situations and all children, a little understanding, though, can give you insights that will shape your own interactions and dealings with your child.
- Your toddler’s world operates at a different speed. This is very important to recognise and hardly ever mentioned. Even though it seems like a child’s brain operates a much faster pace it is actually geared to make sense of the world and his/her emotions on a very slow frequency.
- Frustration in a toddler arises when his/her own expectations are not met or when safety is at risk. This point is absolutely crucial to comprehend for a parent, as it will make a difference of how you can deal with tantrums as they arise. Often a child starts with an expectation about the world but the reaction of the parent threatens his/her safety and makes things even worse for the child. A child wants to understand, as it wants to be in control of his/her own newly found identity.
- A toddler has no abstract thinking capacity. Therefore, it is absolutely illogical to expect your toddler to understand some complex explanations. His/her brain does not operate at this level, yet. At the same time it wants to make simple choices and be in charge of his/her own world.
- When a child is in tantrum ‘mode’, then he/she can not hear your logical explanation however simple it may be which often infuriates parents and children even more, as the communication channel has seemingly broken down altogether. When the brain is in a state of intense emotional arousal it shuts down the frontal cortex, our very own logical thinking centre. This applies to both children and parents!
- Communication operates on many levels and the spoken word is the least important aspect of it. A toddler is dependent on clear communication from his/her surrounding world to make sense of his/her own world. Understanding the different communication channels and unifying them within oneself will help your child to receive a clearer message. The child wants to be seen and heard when he/she needs you to clarify things for him/herself in order to make sense of his/her own world. The clearer you know what your expectations are of your child’s behaviour the more consistent and congruent you can communicate this message to your child. Consistency and congruence are the building blocks for your child’s safety in his/her own emotional exploration and development.
- Temper tantrums in toddlers are absolutely natural and there is absolutely NOTHING wrong neither with your child nor with you. Recognise that your child and yourself are doing the very best you can. If tantrums get out of hand, then it might just be a good time to gain some more understanding as a parent. After all, our children do not come with a ‘how to’ manual. It is a natural journey of parenting to learn on the job. And as you will gain more understanding about your own reactions as well as your toddler’s you will find that temper tantrums are a wonderful invitation to learn as a parent and to teach your children how to not only survive but thrive in this world.
- Your toddler’s world is completely emotionally driven and has no capacity of justifying his/her behaviours. This is YOUR job to teach your child how to deal with his/her own emotions by utelising appropriate communication channels that the child comprehends.
It does not matter where we start with our learning journey as a parent. You have already started just by reading this. Just remember, there is really nothing terrible about the terrible twos. A whole new unknown world is opening up for your child and for yourself and that can be a very scary place to be for both of you. The clearer you understand your world as a parent, the safer your child will feel and the less you will have to deal with temper tantrums. They want to do so much, understand so much, and explore the whole wide world and everything in it. Who wouldn’t? Being supportive and understanding and very playful during this time of transition can ease a child’s frustration and yours immensely.
Chris Thompson has developed an audio program about how to communicate to your child entitled Talking to Toddlers: Dealing with the terrible twos and beyond. This might be your beginning in learning about how to communicate to your toddler and being heard accordingly. It is full of ideas and explanations of how your child is comprehending what is communicated and how you can increase the quality of your relationship just by changing your communication style.
The following Video gives some ideas about the differences in temper tantrums and how to deal with them. Happy Parenting!
When the tantrum happens in public, the parent feels embarrassed, humiliated, and ashamed. When it happens in private, they feel stuck in this negative cycle with their child.
Toddlers Discipline Guide For Learning Good Behaviour
This will get the toddlers attention as they have to concentrate to hear what you are saying to them, and it breaks the pattern of their behaviour which is a great parenting tip
Here are 12 ways to positively encourage good behaviours from toddlers.
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