The Art of communicating with Toddlers

Often parents except too much from their toddlers when it comes to communication. So often I have seen parents trying to do their very best in explaining and  talking to their toddlers only to witness that the end result is frustration on both sides and possibly a temper tantrum in the child. The toddler cannot understand the intricate language of an adult person. The well meant explanation of an adult is plainly too overwhelming for a toddler to comprehend. Understanding your child’s communication ability is an art and depends on your child’s developmental stage. What is effective communication?

Communication is about conveying, imparting and exchanging information,  it is about connection to another. Effective communication is all about the expression of oneself or information in a way that one feels understood. Please note that feeling understood is a key component here for both parties. What ever we tell our toddler, he/she needs to feel that we understand where they are at in their intellectual and emotional development. Our communication, thus, must begin at your child’s level of understanding. Learning about the way they perceive the world at any stage in their growing lives and how their mind functions is very helpful.

Communication takes also place on many levels. As a matter of fact, the spoken word has the least impact on any communication. Researchers at the University of California concluded that communication effectiveness relies up to fully 93% on nonverbal cues. And another study looked at communication and the impact on performance and concluded that it was determined 7% by the words used, 38% by tonal quality of the voice and fully 55% by again nonverbal communication. Ask yourself, are you congruent across all those communication channels when you talk to your child?

Usually, we begin by being congruent. But when the child does not seem to understand, our frustration grows and we begin to communicate various messages at once to our toddler. The message that will impact your child most is your emotional state communicated with fully 93% of your being. And as your frustration grows, you are still trying to get the 7% words across, usually at this stage our words are getting a little bit louder because that is what we want our child, ultimately, to grasp and understand.

What we are truly achieving here has nothing to do with our initial motivation. What we are teaching our child is way beyond the situation at hand. We are teaching our child how to express oneself and how to deal with frustration and the feelings that are confusing to us. We are modeling how we would like our child to behave and handle the situation. So, next time when your child has a temper tantrum, ask yourself: How am I dealing with the distress of my child? What am I teaching him/her?

Effective communication, which implies a win-win scenario, requires that we stay in control and keep our calm, however hard this might feel at this stage. But staying present to the moment and allowing the child to go through his/her frustration without ‘losing the plot’ ourselves is a true art of parenting. Too often, we either give up or we start shouting louder and louder. What we are doing in this case is noticing our own frustration with the situation at hand. Children have tantrums because of their inability to handle their frustrations, bringing our own confusion into it does not help the child nor ourselves.

Communication with a toddler is never just an exchange of words, it is a teaching tool. We teach our children how we want them to communicate. How we want them to meet the world and connect to another human being. We teach them how to express their needs and wants. In each communication we are teaching them strategies how to navigate through life. After all, if mum or dad express their needs and wants that way, then it must be ok for me to do the same.

As a parent we need to learn to allow for the child to have his/her tantrums. There is nothing wrong with showing frustration, especially at such a tender age of a toddler. We might not like it because it makes us feel like we are not in control. Recognising and acknowledging our own frustrations in it is the first step for a better communication. Only then can we take a step back and truly deal with the situation at hand.

I saw a mum hitting her two year old because he was hitting another child. The child gets frustrated and starts hitting to express his feelings. Mum gets frustrated and hits the child for expressing his feelings by hitting others. The child has no chance to learn any different way because he needs  somebody to show him, but all mum is doing is acting out the same frustration in the same way. The child becomes even more confused. “How come  this is what you do and teach but when I do the same is so wrong?”

In order to break that cycle, we truly need to catch our own frustration first before we can deal with our child. When we find our own strength and vulnerability in the situation then we can stand emotionally present and strong for our child. As I mentioned already in the Food for thoughts on temper tantrum article: in the child parent relationship lies the greatest opportunity for everyone to grow emotionally. And growing can only happen through communication, when we learn to understand the other and feeling understood ourselves. A two year old has his/her own capacity for communication and it is our task to find out what this capacity is and how children think. And no one teaches us that when we become a parent.

There are no toddlers who don’t listen, there are only toddlers who do not have the resources to deal with their inner world. Every child loves being in communication but no one teaches us how to invite the child in. Toddlers listen when they feel understood and this requires us as parents to step outside of our own world and step into the world of our child.

Dr. Harvey Karp’s resources “The Happiest Toddler on the Block” is truly a wonderful way to enter your child’s world and start learning how communication is being understood by your child and how children think. It comes as a DVD which is truly recommended as you will be able to see and hear how Dr. Karp talks to toddlers.
Dr. Karp does this in such a light and entertaining way, yet, his teachings are solid and deeply grounded in psychological research. Watch the short video at the bottom of our toddler temper tantrum page if you want to learn more.

Another resource that will add to your toolbox when dealing with your child’s frustrations is  “Talking to Toddlers: Dealing with the terrible two and beyond” by Chris Thompson. Chris has developed an instant downloadable audio program about how to communicate to your child where he draws his knowledge from NLP (Neuro Linguistic Programming). Even thought I don’t always like the examples he is giving, there is a lot of knowledge conveyed in his cds and you can listen to it on the go which can be very handy.
I have also included Francine Epstein’s book “Trusting you are loved” in this recommendation. Listen to Francine as she speaks about the importance of listening and the experience of being heard.

I am truly wishing you happy parenting. And please do leave a comment with your thoughts on this site, so I can write more about what you truly want to hear. And most of all, be gentle to yourself when things don’t go the way you expect. Parenting is a fine art of life and it requires us to step back and breath. You are certainly not alone where ever you might be on your journey.

Warmly,

Halka

FROM THE BLOGOSPHERE

Coping With the Caveman in the Crib Tara Parker-Pope writes in the New York Times about Dr. Harvey Karp and his books on toddler and babies. “If there is such a person as a baby whisperer, it is the pediatrician Dr. Harvey Karp” she wrote.

How to Get Your Toddler to Listen is an article by a mom who started focusing on her own ability to communicate. What she found is that more often than not her toddler did not hear her because she did not convey the right message.

Technorati Tags: anger, biting, children, Christ Thompson, communcating, communication, frustration, Harvey Karp, hitting, how to, kids, listen, listening, talking, tantrum, temper, toddler, toddlers, two year old

When ever our two year old toddler throws a tantrum it is always matter of losing either a sense of safety or sanity. What does that mean?

Sanity is strongly related to your child’s temperament. A highly temperamental child has a higher need to be in control of his/her world and his/her sanity is threatened when ever he/she realizes that somehow this does not seem to be possible. Thus, the child’s frustration grows easily into a temper tantrum. Safety is only threatened when the child feels unsupported in his/her exploration of the world. To understand what constitutes safety to a child is paramount to an enjoyable parent-child relationship.

A child’s world is changing at a rapid speed when we consider how much he/she learns in the first two years of his/her life. Around the age of two, the child starts to separate his/her identity from being part of you to an individual separate being. For the first time, he/she arrives at a conclusion that there is separate world of "I".

Everything is suddenly beginning to exist in a new context. An identity is shaping. The words "I" and "mine" are part of that new framework that defines the child’s world. The child is now the same as you; therefore, he/she can do anything you do, can say anything you say, you are the role model for his/her exploration of him/herself and the world around it. Your way of dealing with your world becomes the greatest inspiration for your child as you are his/her role model how to govern the emotional experience. Language is becoming the focal point of communication.

When a child enters this area of his/her life, the sense of safety and sanity will guide all of his perceptions of the new world found. Because even though the child wants to spread his/her wings and explore every possible avenue of what he/she of the world he/she lives in, this new sense of "I" also is a very frightening place to be. 

Even though tantrums can be a very natural way of dealing with his/her own frustrations. How you deal with the child’s tantrums will define his/her strategies as how to deal with ones own frustrations.

Here are a couple of examples of how a child can interpret something as a threat, yet from an adult perspective this looks like a manipulative tantrum.

A friend of mine came to visit with her two year old son. Generally, when they are at home, he gets 100% undivided attention. Suddenly, his world is threatened as mom does not react in the same way as home. What is going on? His world as he knows it, does not operate outside of home, that means, his safety of his emotional well-being is threatened. He starts to bite and hit. Mom picks him up, takes him away, has a chat, comes back and has him apologise for his behaviour, which he kindly offers. Well done, mom says and rewards him with a cuddle and plenty of attention. Aha, thinks the child. Even though I get a lecture that I cannot possibly comprehend, I will get mom to behave like at home. 100% undevided attention, until 10 minutes later mom turns away again. And the cycle starts anew.  Please note that this is a very simplified account of the whole story.

From an adult perspective this dealing with a tantrum is a very sophisticated approach. Let’s talk it over and own our bad behaviours by apologising. Of course, now, mom is proud of her 2 year old and rewards him for handling it so well and being so insightful. However, the child does not think that way. His brain operates at a completely different level and only the ultimate consequence of his behaviour is obvious to the child. No steps in between. For him the message is very clear: The end result is a cuddle, a reward and plenty of loving attention.

Another scenario happened with an other friend. I arrive to visit her and her daughter and after plenty of attention and positive connections we turn the attention away from the girl. The girl does not like the perceived threat of being left out, what is happening? Why can’t I join in? Hey, "I" am here too, she thinks rightly. Mom come and play, she says. Hang on sweetie I’ll be right with you, answers mom. Well, what does that mean thinks the child? The child has no concept of time and such an abstract term as right is completely way beyond his/her comprehension. So this girl feels really left out now. This is not what mom does when we are alone. Therefore, I want my mom’s friend to go home, NOW. Mom keeps telling her daughter that I will be going soon. Soon? What does that mean again? One thing is obvious it does not seem to mean NOW. This is getting scary, this does not feel safe any more. Mom is not here for me. The girl starts kicking and hitting to safe the situation. NOW mom – NOW! That is too much for mom to accept. She just said that soon I will be gone. Mom picks her up and puts her in her room. On the way, the girl gets a lecture beyond her level of understanding and the door closes. She cries and cries and cries but she does not come out. Why should she? After a couple of minutes mom returns and demands to know whether the girl has learned her lesson. Of course the girl has. Because now, that she has learned her lesson, mom is proud of her, cuddling her, being there for her and invites her to come to talk to us. Safety is restored, mom is back. But hang on, mom is doing the same thing again, moving seemingly away. Well, the girl will plainly do the same thing again too, because it worked and restored a sense of belonging and safety for her. Another vicious cycle begins.

None of the above approaches seem to work for a couple of reasons:

• The child and the adult perceive the behaviour completely differently. For the child, his/her safety of closeness is threatened. For the mother is is non acceptable behaviour – just a tantrum.
• The child has a new found sense of "I" but does not have any strategies to identify how to be with that new "I" and still be connected to the caretaker. In that new freedom there is also fear and the child usually becomes even more dependent on attention as this signifies to him/her that the connection is not lost even though he/she feels separate now.
• The child choses a strategy that makes sense to him/her but not necessarily to anyone else. He/She is not playing games (there is absolutely no brain capacity yet in a two year old’s world for such a sophisticated approach), he/she has no other choices available then to take the obvious, if I do that then this is what is going to happen.  WE are his/her teacher of what works.
• The child has no concept of time and 5 seconds can be a very long time indeed. Soon, later, and in a moment, are completely beyond a child’s comprehension. There is no sense of past or future. The child lives in the NOW. The concept of time has to be introduced and taught very slowly so the child can safely experience the sense of waiting 5, 10, 15 seconds and CONSISTENTLY feeling safe and trusting that the attention will come back to him/her.
• Doing things differently at home than at other places, like supermarkets, visits, play groups etc. is threatening the child’s understanding of how things work and need to be introduced in a safe and trusting way. In a new environment your child will need you more than ever. Inconsistency is the worst enemy of a child’s safe world. Safety is build for his/her brain capacity only from CONSISTENCY in your behaviour and his external world.
• Lectures do never work in anyone’s world when their system breaks down and they are throwing a tantrum. The brain has NO CAPACITY to think while in a tantrum. A tantrum is shutting down the very little resource that we all have to work things out, the very thinking centre itself: the frontal cortex. Without it you can NEVER talk sense to anyone.
• Communicating with a two year old is an art as language development builds the building block for successfull interaction. For an effective communication; however, one needs to understand the others world and capacity for understanding. Your toddler’s brain has NOT the same capacity as yours – therefor, communication needs to be adjusted in order to be clear and supportive for your child. (I found only one program on the net that comes as an instant download and a print out and deals with learning the art to communicate to your child. Even though, TALKING TO TODDLERS comes packaged as a real sales blurb, the information you receive is absolutely worthwile and is completely in line with the psychological understanding of your child’s world. You will certainly learn many new communication tools and find insights into your child’s world that will amaze you. If you are interested you can  check it out here.)

So, how can one deal with a toddler temper tantrum? The first step is understanding. Understand that your child’s brain does now work the same way as yours, yet. Understand that a child needs to feel 100% safe of your attention whenever he/she needs it. The child does not understand the difference between want and need. Any wants are experienced as needs. The emotional world of the child relies on you to help him/her make sense of this world and his/her own place in it and teach him/her the difference of need and want. This is not done by an explanation but by being present for the child and tracking his emotional insecurities. Of course, no one can be 100% present for the child and this would not be a healthy development anyway (I will tap into that one with a later article) but then we need to take extremely little steps to introduce the concept of ‘I might not be engaging 100% with you but I am here and I do love you. I will engage in your needs to teach you tools how to get what you want in a way that is acceptable and respectful to all of us and I will teach that reactions to needing and wanting do differ’.

As the child learns, he/she begins to experience that 5 seconds of your emotional absence is bearable and that nothing is lost, he/she will be able to extend that second by second. As a baby we feel automatically connected because the sense of "I" has not developed yet. The freedom of "I" often comes with a sense of being in control. But the reality is that we are never really in control and this is truly affecting our sanity and our sense of safety independent of any age stage. Yet, WE understand that by now – for your child this is a very scary place to move into.

The more you learn about the strategies that your child uses to keep him/herself safe and sane in this world, the more you will feel that you are contributing to your child’s world and not merely coping with tantrums, the more you  learn about the way your toddler communicates his/her messages and the more you learn to meet them, the more joy you will find in your parenting style and experience. This requires us to stop, to gather tools and resources and to establish a strategy of your own that will enable you to build a trusting happy relationship with your child.

For a happier parenting and toddler experience.

Halka

PS: Even though, I mention mom only in my article above, please the same applies equally for dads and any other primary caretaker of the child – my apologies should you have felt left out.

For an overview of a 2 year old toddler development and his/her behaviours watch the little video beneath.

Technorati Tags: 2, child, communication, dealing with, development, kid, old, parenting, positive, tantrum, temper, toddler, two, year

Disciplining toddlers: when temper tantrums get out of hand.

When we feel like our connection to our child has broken down because they won’t listen to a word we are saying then it most probably has. The problem is that when our children are out of control then we are most probably beyond our realms of understanding what is going on and react with loss of control ourselves. This creates a truly vicious cycle. We end up exhausted, frustrated and extremely short fused but guess what, so does our child!

The truth is, this cycle did not begin with the child being out of control and throwing temper tantrums but started way before that. Having said that we need to take into consideration that a child’s development is characterized by tantrums at the age around two. According to the child’s temperament their frustration levels vary immensely and as their level of understanding just cannot grasp any abstract concepts or explanations, tantrums are one way to deal with them.

So when do tantrums require attention and point into a communication breakdown? The answer is usually when we as parents cannot deal or handle toddler temper tantrums any longer. When we start losing control as a parent. Why? Because then we teach our children exactly the set of behaviours that we actually are trying to stop in our children. But children learn the best around this age by modeling.

The child trusts you and you start screaming and shouting and showing your own signs of being out of control, what are you telling your child is an acceptable behaviour to do when frustrated?

The trick to this parenting dilemma is to resource oneself, learn about the world of a two year old and beyond and give them guidance, safe boundaries and choice to explore their world. What they truly need to learn is to trust your guidance and to make their own choices (within our set boundaries).

I never like the phrase ‘disciplining kids’ because discipline implies punishment for gaining control or enforcement of obedience. Dictionaries don’t generally mention the world relationship in its definition. Yet, what we are working on is a relationship because that is, I assume, the reason why we had our children in the first place. What joy would there be in parenting otherwise?

However, if we are working to building trust and our children trust us as their guardians then this trust implies that they accept our authority as a parent. But they can only trust and accept our authority if they can be certain that we show the ability to understand their world and communicate age appropriately. They must be sure that we are there to guide and to enlarge their understanding of the world, others and themselves.

So who are we ultimately disciplining? Our toddlers or ourselves? There are many books and resources for parents to be found on how to deal with toddler temper tantrums and one day we will have many more recommendations on this site. But I truly believe that understanding how to learn the art of age appropriate communication with your child is a very important step.

Chris Thompson has developed an instant downloadable audio program about how to communicate to your child entitled  Talking to Toddlers: Dealing with the terrible twos and beyond. This might be your beginning in learning about how to communicate to your toddler and being heard accordingly. It has an absolute solid psychological base and is full of ideas, examples and explanations of how your child is comprehending what is communicated and how you can increase the quality of your relationship just by changing your communication style.

Chris also offers a 100% money back guarantee so there is really nothing to lose only to win. And if you can see through all the sales talk, you will actually find a lot of value in his product.

All the best on your journey,
Halka

How to discipline your child video: 

Toddler Discipline: The Power of Firm Love. This article gives you some more insights into set rules and structures of parenting with ‘firm love’.

Disciplining Toddlers is all about creating a safe playground for your toddler to grow physically and emotionally. The trick to a good and trustworthy relationship is consistency. And yet, this is the hardest thing to do. 

Technorati Tags: 2 year old, 3 year old, child, discipline, disciplining toddlers, how to discipline, kid, kids, out of control child, positive discipline, temper tantrums, toddler

Understanding Your Child’s World – How to deal with temper tantrums in a child

Before you can deal with temper tantrums you need to understand what is going on for your child and for yourself.

Somehow we have managed to infuse the age around a child’s most important and wonderful development with a very negative connotation as we call this period the terrible twos.

Even though this might be a challenging time for parents, it is an equally challenging time for your toddler, even more so. As it is around the age of two when the child is developing a self-identity and with this comes a huge shift in the way your child sees the world and him/herself.

A child’s frustration does not only arise in the interaction with others but also with one’s own expectations, which can lead to self-disappointment. The same, by the way, applies to parents equally.

Furthermore, it is very important especially at this age to recognise that your child has a very distinct temperament and this will guide him/her how he/she handles his/her experiences. And it is the temperament of your child that holds the key how you can handle his/her frustrations and temper tantrums.

Even though, there is no such thing as a ‘how to’ guide that applies to all situations and all children, a little understanding, though, can give you insights that will shape your own interactions and dealings with your child.

1. Your toddler’s world operates at a different speed. This is very important to recognise and hardly ever mentioned. Even though it seems like a child’s brain operates a much faster pace it is actually geared to make sense of the world and his/her emotions on a very slow frequency.

2. Frustration in a toddler arises when his/her own expectations are not met or when safety is at risk. This point is absolutely crucial to comprehend for a parent, as it will make a difference of how you can deal with tantrums as they arise. Often a child starts with an expectation about the world but the reaction of the parent threatens his/her safety and makes things even worse for the child.  A child wants to understand, as it wants to be in control of his/her own newly found identity.

3. A toddler has no abstract thinking capacity. Therefore, it is absolutely illogical to expect your toddler to understand some complex explanations. His/her brain does not operate at this level, yet. At the same time it wants to make simple choices and be in charge of his/her own world.

4. When a child is in tantrum ‘mode’, then he/she can not hear your logical explanation however simple it may be which often infuriates parents and children even more, as the communication channel has seemingly broken down altogether. When the brain is in a state of intense emotional arousal it shuts down the frontal cortex, our very own logical thinking centre. This applies to both children and parents!

5. Communication operates on many levels and the spoken word is the least important aspect of it. A toddler is dependent on clear communication from his/her surrounding world to make sense of his/her own world. Understanding the different communication channels and unifying them within oneself will help your child to receive a clearer message. The child wants to be seen and heard when he/she needs you to clarify things for him/herself in order to make sense of his/her own world. The clearer you know what your expectations are of your child’s behaviour the more consistent and congruent you can communicate this message to your child. Consistency and congruence are the building blocks for your child’s safety in his/her own emotional exploration and development.

6. Temper tantrums in toddlers are absolutely natural and there is absolutely NOTHING wrong neither with your child nor with you. Recognise that your child and yourself are doing the very best you can. If tantrums get out of hand, then it might just be a good time to gain some more understanding as a parent. After all, our children do not come with a ‘how to’ manual. It is a natural journey of parenting to learn on the job. And as you will gain more understanding about your own reactions as well as your toddler’s you will find that temper tantrums are a wonderful invitation to learn as a parent and to teach your children how to not only survive but thrive in this world.
7. Your toddler’s world is completely emotionally driven and has no capacity of justifying his/her behaviours. This is YOUR job to teach your child how to deal with his/her own emotions by utelising appropriate communication channels that the child comprehends.

It does not matter where we start with our learning journey as a parent. You have already started just by reading this. Just remember, there is really nothing terrible about the terrible twos. A whole new unknown world is opening up for your child and for yourself and that can be a very scary place to be for both of you. The clearer you understand your world as a parent, the safer your child will feel and the less you will have to deal with temper tantrums. They want to do so much, understand so much, and explore the whole wide world and everything in it. Who wouldn’t? Being supportive and understanding and very playful during this time of transition can ease a child’s frustration and yours immensely.

Chris Thompson has developed an audio program about how to communicate to your child entitled  Talking to Toddlers: Dealing with the terrible twos and beyond. This might be your beginning in learning about how to communicate to your toddler and being heard accordingly. It is full of ideas and explanations of how your child is comprehending what is communicated and how you can increase the quality of your relationship just by changing your communication style.

The following Video gives some ideas about the differences in temper tantrums and how to deal with them. Happy Parenting!

Tantrums as a learned behaviour of getting what one wants. Why giving in is not the best solution to the problem

When the tantrum happens in public, the parent feels embarrassed, humiliated, and ashamed. When it happens in private, they feel stuck in this negative cycle with their child.

Toddlers Discipline Guide For Learning Good Behaviour

This will get the toddlers attention as they have to concentrate to hear what you are saying to them, and it breaks the pattern of their behaviour which is a great parenting tip

Toddler Behaviour

Here are 12 ways to positively encourage good behaviours from toddlers.

Technorati Tags: how to deal with tantrum, tantrum, temper tantrum, temperament, toddler development, Understanding tantrums

Do you have any questions about Toddler Temper Tantrums or wish to leave a comment?

You can contact us at

Halka Beseda & Karoline Werner

hbeseda@gmail.com

Thank you for your interest.

Halka & Karoline

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Launched in 2009, Toddler Temper Tantrum.com is a website dedicated to all parents who wish to learn about building real relationship with their children.

Those early years are so important for all the years to come and we hope we can provide you with educational information on

• your own behaviours and belief systems influencing your parenting style
• your children’s development and needs
• and creative ways to empower yourself and your child to grow into a lasting and trusting relationship with each other

Your feedback and questions are our guide for providing you with a wealth of resources and information.

Halka has been working in educational psychology for over a decade. She has been in private practice and researched parenting from a multitude of angles. Halka has a 23 year old son and a 10 year old daughter of whose company she enjoys immensely. 

Karoline has worked in crisis care and with families for the same period of time. She is dedicated to helping families especially in the early childhood period and postnatal depression. Karoline has also two children aged 7 and 10 and is constantly learning to be a loving guiding parent. 

Our mission is to empower you so you in turn can empower your child and enjoy a healthy parent child relationship.

Thank you for stopping by.

Your Toddler Temper Tantrum Team

Halka Beseda and Karoline Werner

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