When ever our two year old toddler throws a tantrum it is always matter of losing either a sense of safety or sanity. What does that mean?

Sanity is strongly related to your child’s temperament. A highly temperamental child has a higher need to be in control of his/her world and his/her sanity is threatened when ever he/she realizes that somehow this does not seem to be possible. Thus, the child’s frustration grows easily into a temper tantrum. Safety is only threatened when the child feels unsupported in his/her exploration of the world. To understand what constitutes safety to a child is paramount to an enjoyable parent-child relationship.

A child’s world is changing at a rapid speed when we consider how much he/she learns in the first two years of his/her life. Around the age of two, the child starts to separate his/her identity from being part of you to an individual separate being. For the first time, he/she arrives at a conclusion that there is separate world of "I".

Everything is suddenly beginning to exist in a new context. An identity is shaping. The words "I" and "mine" are part of that new framework that defines the child’s world. The child is now the same as you; therefore, he/she can do anything you do, can say anything you say, you are the role model for his/her exploration of him/herself and the world around it. Your way of dealing with your world becomes the greatest inspiration for your child as you are his/her role model how to govern the emotional experience. Language is becoming the focal point of communication.

When a child enters this area of his/her life, the sense of safety and sanity will guide all of his perceptions of the new world found. Because even though the child wants to spread his/her wings and explore every possible avenue of what he/she of the world he/she lives in, this new sense of "I" also is a very frightening place to be. 

Even though tantrums can be a very natural way of dealing with his/her own frustrations. How you deal with the child’s tantrums will define his/her strategies as how to deal with ones own frustrations.

Here are a couple of examples of how a child can interpret something as a threat, yet from an adult perspective this looks like a manipulative tantrum.

A friend of mine came to visit with her two year old son. Generally, when they are at home, he gets 100% undivided attention. Suddenly, his world is threatened as mom does not react in the same way as home. What is going on? His world as he knows it, does not operate outside of home, that means, his safety of his emotional well-being is threatened. He starts to bite and hit. Mom picks him up, takes him away, has a chat, comes back and has him apologise for his behaviour, which he kindly offers. Well done, mom says and rewards him with a cuddle and plenty of attention. Aha, thinks the child. Even though I get a lecture that I cannot possibly comprehend, I will get mom to behave like at home. 100% undevided attention, until 10 minutes later mom turns away again. And the cycle starts anew.  Please note that this is a very simplified account of the whole story.

From an adult perspective this dealing with a tantrum is a very sophisticated approach. Let’s talk it over and own our bad behaviours by apologising. Of course, now, mom is proud of her 2 year old and rewards him for handling it so well and being so insightful. However, the child does not think that way. His brain operates at a completely different level and only the ultimate consequence of his behaviour is obvious to the child. No steps in between. For him the message is very clear: The end result is a cuddle, a reward and plenty of loving attention.

Another scenario happened with an other friend. I arrive to visit her and her daughter and after plenty of attention and positive connections we turn the attention away from the girl. The girl does not like the perceived threat of being left out, what is happening? Why can’t I join in? Hey, "I" am here too, she thinks rightly. Mom come and play, she says. Hang on sweetie I’ll be right with you, answers mom. Well, what does that mean thinks the child? The child has no concept of time and such an abstract term as right is completely way beyond his/her comprehension. So this girl feels really left out now. This is not what mom does when we are alone. Therefore, I want my mom’s friend to go home, NOW. Mom keeps telling her daughter that I will be going soon. Soon? What does that mean again? One thing is obvious it does not seem to mean NOW. This is getting scary, this does not feel safe any more. Mom is not here for me. The girl starts kicking and hitting to safe the situation. NOW mom – NOW! That is too much for mom to accept. She just said that soon I will be gone. Mom picks her up and puts her in her room. On the way, the girl gets a lecture beyond her level of understanding and the door closes. She cries and cries and cries but she does not come out. Why should she? After a couple of minutes mom returns and demands to know whether the girl has learned her lesson. Of course the girl has. Because now, that she has learned her lesson, mom is proud of her, cuddling her, being there for her and invites her to come to talk to us. Safety is restored, mom is back. But hang on, mom is doing the same thing again, moving seemingly away. Well, the girl will plainly do the same thing again too, because it worked and restored a sense of belonging and safety for her. Another vicious cycle begins.

None of the above approaches seem to work for a couple of reasons:

  • The child and the adult perceive the behaviour completely differently. For the child, his/her safety of closeness is threatened. For the mother is is non acceptable behaviour – just a tantrum.
  • The child has a new found sense of "I" but does not have any strategies to identify how to be with that new "I" and still be connected to the caretaker. In that new freedom there is also fear and the child usually becomes even more dependent on attention as this signifies to him/her that the connection is not lost even though he/she feels separate now.
  • The child choses a strategy that makes sense to him/her but not necessarily to anyone else. He/She is not playing games (there is absolutely no brain capacity yet in a two year old’s world for such a sophisticated approach), he/she has no other choices available then to take the obvious, if I do that then this is what is going to happen.  WE are his/her teacher of what works.
  • The child has no concept of time and 5 seconds can be a very long time indeed. Soon, later, and in a moment, are completely beyond a child’s comprehension. There is no sense of past or future. The child lives in the NOW. The concept of time has to be introduced and taught very slowly so the child can safely experience the sense of waiting 5, 10, 15 seconds and CONSISTENTLY feeling safe and trusting that the attention will come back to him/her.
  • Doing things differently at home than at other places, like supermarkets, visits, play groups etc. is threatening the child’s understanding of how things work and need to be introduced in a safe and trusting way. In a new environment your child will need you more than ever. Inconsistency is the worst enemy of a child’s safe world. Safety is build for his/her brain capacity only from CONSISTENCY in your behaviour and his external world.
  • Lectures do never work in anyone’s world when their system breaks down and they are throwing a tantrum. The brain has NO CAPACITY to think while in a tantrum. A tantrum is shutting down the very little resource that we all have to work things out, the very thinking centre itself: the frontal cortex. Without it you can NEVER talk sense to anyone.
  • Communicating with a two year old is an art as language development builds the building block for successfull interaction. For an effective communication; however, one needs to understand the others world and capacity for understanding. Your toddler’s brain has NOT the same capacity as yours – therefor, communication needs to be adjusted in order to be clear and supportive for your child. (I found only one program on the net that comes as an instant download and a print out and deals with learning the art to communicate to your child. Even though, TALKING TO TODDLERS comes packaged as a real sales blurb, the information you receive is absolutely worthwile and is completely in line with the psychological understanding of your child’s world. You will certainly learn many new communication tools and find insights into your child’s world that will amaze you. If you are interested you can  check it out here.)

So, how can one deal with a toddler temper tantrum? The first step is understanding. Understand that your child’s brain does now work the same way as yours, yet. Understand that a child needs to feel 100% safe of your attention whenever he/she needs it. The child does not understand the difference between want and need. Any wants are experienced as needs. The emotional world of the child relies on you to help him/her make sense of this world and his/her own place in it and teach him/her the difference of need and want. This is not done by an explanation but by being present for the child and tracking his emotional insecurities. Of course, no one can be 100% present for the child and this would not be a healthy development anyway (I will tap into that one with a later article) but then we need to take extremely little steps to introduce the concept of ‘I might not be engaging 100% with you but I am here and I do love you. I will engage in your needs to teach you tools how to get what you want in a way that is acceptable and respectful to all of us and I will teach that reactions to needing and wanting do differ’.

As the child learns, he/she begins to experience that 5 seconds of your emotional absence is bearable and that nothing is lost, he/she will be able to extend that second by second. As a baby we feel automatically connected because the sense of "I" has not developed yet. The freedom of "I" often comes with a sense of being in control. But the reality is that we are never really in control and this is truly affecting our sanity and our sense of safety independent of any age stage. Yet, WE understand that by now – for your child this is a very scary place to move into.

The more you learn about the strategies that your child uses to keep him/herself safe and sane in this world, the more you will feel that you are contributing to your child’s world and not merely coping with tantrums, the more you  learn about the way your toddler communicates his/her messages and the more you learn to meet them, the more joy you will find in your parenting style and experience. This requires us to stop, to gather tools and resources and to establish a strategy of your own that will enable you to build a trusting happy relationship with your child.

For a happier parenting and toddler experience.

Halka

PS: Even though, I mention mom only in my article above, please the same applies equally for dads and any other primary caretaker of the child – my apologies should you have felt left out.

For an overview of a 2 year old toddler development and his/her behaviours watch the little video beneath.

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