Disciplining toddlers: when temper tantrums get out of hand.

When we feel like our connection to our child has broken down because they won’t listen to a word we are saying then it most probably has. The problem is that when our children are out of control then we are most probably beyond our realms of understanding what is going on and react with loss of control ourselves. This creates a truly vicious cycle. We end up exhausted, frustrated and extremely short fused but guess what, so does our child!

The truth is, this cycle did not begin with the child being out of control and throwing temper tantrums but started way before that. Having said that we need to take into consideration that a child’s development is characterized by tantrums at the age around two. According to the child’s temperament their frustration levels vary immensely and as their level of understanding just cannot grasp any abstract concepts or explanations, tantrums are one way to deal with them.

So when do tantrums require attention and point into a communication breakdown? The answer is usually when we as parents cannot deal or handle toddler temper tantrums any longer. When we start losing control as a parent. Why? Because then we teach our children exactly the set of behaviours that we actually are trying to stop in our children. But children learn the best around this age by modeling.

The child trusts you and you start screaming and shouting and showing your own signs of being out of control, what are you telling your child is an acceptable behaviour to do when frustrated?

The trick to this parenting dilemma is to resource oneself, learn about the world of a two year old and beyond and give them guidance, safe boundaries and choice to explore their world. What they truly need to learn is to trust your guidance and to make their own choices (within our set boundaries).

I never like the phrase ‘disciplining kids’ because discipline implies punishment for gaining control or enforcement of obedience. Dictionaries don’t generally mention the world relationship in its definition. Yet, what we are working on is a relationship because that is, I assume, the reason why we had our children in the first place. What joy would there be in parenting otherwise?

However, if we are working to building trust and our children trust us as their guardians then this trust implies that they accept our authority as a parent. But they can only trust and accept our authority if they can be certain that we show the ability to understand their world and communicate age appropriately. They must be sure that we are there to guide and to enlarge their understanding of the world, others and themselves.

So who are we ultimately disciplining? Our toddlers or ourselves? There are many books and resources for parents to be found on how to deal with toddler temper tantrums and one day we will have many more recommendations on this site. But I truly believe that understanding how to learn the art of age appropriate communication with your child is a very important step.

Chris Thompson has developed an instant downloadable audio program about how to communicate to your child entitled  Talking to Toddlers: Dealing with the terrible twos and beyond. This might be your beginning in learning about how to communicate to your toddler and being heard accordingly. It has an absolute solid psychological base and is full of ideas, examples and explanations of how your child is comprehending what is communicated and how you can increase the quality of your relationship just by changing your communication style.

Chris also offers a 100% money back guarantee so there is really nothing to lose only to win. And if you can see through all the sales talk, you will actually find a lot of value in his product.

All the best on your journey,
Halka

How to discipline your child video: 

Toddler Discipline: The Power of Firm Love. This article gives you some more insights into set rules and structures of parenting with ‘firm love’.

Disciplining Toddlers is all about creating a safe playground for your toddler to grow physically and emotionally. The trick to a good and trustworthy relationship is consistency. And yet, this is the hardest thing to do. 

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Understanding Your Child’s World – How to deal with temper tantrums in a child

Before you can deal with temper tantrums you need to understand what is going on for your child and for yourself.

Somehow we have managed to infuse the age around a child’s most important and wonderful development with a very negative connotation as we call this period the terrible twos.

Even though this might be a challenging time for parents, it is an equally challenging time for your toddler, even more so. As it is around the age of two when the child is developing a self-identity and with this comes a huge shift in the way your child sees the world and him/herself.

A child’s frustration does not only arise in the interaction with others but also with one’s own expectations, which can lead to self-disappointment. The same, by the way, applies to parents equally.

Furthermore, it is very important especially at this age to recognise that your child has a very distinct temperament and this will guide him/her how he/she handles his/her experiences. And it is the temperament of your child that holds the key how you can handle his/her frustrations and temper tantrums.

Even though, there is no such thing as a ‘how to’ guide that applies to all situations and all children, a little understanding, though, can give you insights that will shape your own interactions and dealings with your child.

1. Your toddler’s world operates at a different speed. This is very important to recognise and hardly ever mentioned. Even though it seems like a child’s brain operates a much faster pace it is actually geared to make sense of the world and his/her emotions on a very slow frequency.

2. Frustration in a toddler arises when his/her own expectations are not met or when safety is at risk. This point is absolutely crucial to comprehend for a parent, as it will make a difference of how you can deal with tantrums as they arise. Often a child starts with an expectation about the world but the reaction of the parent threatens his/her safety and makes things even worse for the child.  A child wants to understand, as it wants to be in control of his/her own newly found identity.

3. A toddler has no abstract thinking capacity. Therefore, it is absolutely illogical to expect your toddler to understand some complex explanations. His/her brain does not operate at this level, yet. At the same time it wants to make simple choices and be in charge of his/her own world.

4. When a child is in tantrum ‘mode’, then he/she can not hear your logical explanation however simple it may be which often infuriates parents and children even more, as the communication channel has seemingly broken down altogether. When the brain is in a state of intense emotional arousal it shuts down the frontal cortex, our very own logical thinking centre. This applies to both children and parents!

5. Communication operates on many levels and the spoken word is the least important aspect of it. A toddler is dependent on clear communication from his/her surrounding world to make sense of his/her own world. Understanding the different communication channels and unifying them within oneself will help your child to receive a clearer message. The child wants to be seen and heard when he/she needs you to clarify things for him/herself in order to make sense of his/her own world. The clearer you know what your expectations are of your child’s behaviour the more consistent and congruent you can communicate this message to your child. Consistency and congruence are the building blocks for your child’s safety in his/her own emotional exploration and development.

6. Temper tantrums in toddlers are absolutely natural and there is absolutely NOTHING wrong neither with your child nor with you. Recognise that your child and yourself are doing the very best you can. If tantrums get out of hand, then it might just be a good time to gain some more understanding as a parent. After all, our children do not come with a ‘how to’ manual. It is a natural journey of parenting to learn on the job. And as you will gain more understanding about your own reactions as well as your toddler’s you will find that temper tantrums are a wonderful invitation to learn as a parent and to teach your children how to not only survive but thrive in this world.
7. Your toddler’s world is completely emotionally driven and has no capacity of justifying his/her behaviours. This is YOUR job to teach your child how to deal with his/her own emotions by utelising appropriate communication channels that the child comprehends.

It does not matter where we start with our learning journey as a parent. You have already started just by reading this. Just remember, there is really nothing terrible about the terrible twos. A whole new unknown world is opening up for your child and for yourself and that can be a very scary place to be for both of you. The clearer you understand your world as a parent, the safer your child will feel and the less you will have to deal with temper tantrums. They want to do so much, understand so much, and explore the whole wide world and everything in it. Who wouldn’t? Being supportive and understanding and very playful during this time of transition can ease a child’s frustration and yours immensely.

Chris Thompson has developed an audio program about how to communicate to your child entitled  Talking to Toddlers: Dealing with the terrible twos and beyond. This might be your beginning in learning about how to communicate to your toddler and being heard accordingly. It is full of ideas and explanations of how your child is comprehending what is communicated and how you can increase the quality of your relationship just by changing your communication style.

The following Video gives some ideas about the differences in temper tantrums and how to deal with them. Happy Parenting!

Tantrums as a learned behaviour of getting what one wants. Why giving in is not the best solution to the problem

When the tantrum happens in public, the parent feels embarrassed, humiliated, and ashamed. When it happens in private, they feel stuck in this negative cycle with their child.

Toddlers Discipline Guide For Learning Good Behaviour

This will get the toddlers attention as they have to concentrate to hear what you are saying to them, and it breaks the pattern of their behaviour which is a great parenting tip

Toddler Behaviour

Here are 12 ways to positively encourage good behaviours from toddlers.

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