A very warm welcome! Your toddler throws a tantrum. Who do you think is more frustrated? Your child or yourself? We have worked in the field of educational psychology as therapists and crisis workers for over a decade. There is a simple tool to learn that will empower you to be the parent you truly are: Understanding of your own and your child’s world.
For books, dvds and cds on how to deal with toddler temper tantrums and understanding your child’s development please visit our resource page.
FOOD FOR THOUGHTS ON TODDLER TANTRUMS
Ever wondered why do toddlers have tantrums? Ever noticed your own feelings when dealing with tantrums in toddlers? When we look for help for our parenting styles and search for guidance how to deal with bad tempers and tantrums in our toddler, we usually get a set of guidelines that we can follow step by step. There is certainly nothing wrong with that but if you want to build up a parent child relationship and not merely handle a toddler temper tantrum then you need more than one set of tools.
There is so much more to a healthy toddler’s behaviour and the clue to any solution how to deal with a toddler tantrum lies always within the parent not the child because for a child it is completely natural. Do you know why do toddlers have temper tantrums? And where do you draw the line between a healthy temper and a tantrum? Ever thought that your toddler might be giving you very valuable clues as to where your communication is breaking down? And trust me, a breakdown in communication it is and if taken seriously the message is a very valuable one. The message communicated might be as simple as I am bored but there is always a communication behind a tantrum or a lack of.
What frustrates us as parents is usually the perceived inability to cope and deal with a toddler temper tantrum. Please note the word ‘perceived’ in here because every parent has the ability to deal with a tantrum perfectly all right. The only prerequisite is understanding what is going on. And as we learn as parents we need to remember that any new learning comes with its frustrations so why are we getting upset? How come that our children do not accept our authority as a parent or trust our judgement of the situation? How come that our children experience this frustration in the first place – what is going on in our toddler’s mind? Is it maybe time to not only learn skills how to handle, control or deal with a toddler temper tantrum but to acquire some fundamental understanding of how our children develop emotionally and cognitively? And how we develop as a parent? What relationship do we actually have – or do we have one at all? Because after all, those early years, those ‘terrible’ twos or threes, do build a basis for all the years to come and those years will come!
So where we do start? Is the question really how do we control our child? Do we really want to apply some superficial behavioural strategies in order to ‘tame’ our child? Or is it maybe time to look at the situation and our relationship in a proactive way so we can truly respond to the situation at hand?
We are all in it together – the child does not throw a temper tantrum or show his/her temper void of any stimuli. Something always happens first before a toddler’s frustration grows into a tantrum. And in that something you will find the most valuable answers that will make you a parent that each child would be proud of having. Respect is not something that comes automatically with parenthood. It requires a deep trust of any child to accept the guidance that every parent ultimately is capable of offering. But when a child accepts because he/she feels understood, seen and heard then the rewards are beyond words. A relationship has only one true cause and this is to grow.
Your toddler is offering you this opportunity on a silver platter. You can control his/her behaviour or you can empower yourself and grow together into a parent child relationship that will ultimately be rewarding for both of you. Every stage of our lives signifies a new learning journey. Parenting is no exemption to that. It offers you a possibility of new understandings of who you are and what your relationship is to others.
Each trigger, each reaction is a blessing to those ones who truly want to learn. You can react to your toddler’s behaviours or you can respond to it. Reaction always comes from a conditioned mind (usually utterly outdated) whereas a response comes from an honourable place of true understanding. True understanding of I, true understanding of the other and true understanding of the relationship. Thus, can you truly observe in a non-judgemental way what is actually going on for your toddler when she/he is throwing a temper tantrum? Can you truly observe what is happening within yourself as a parent in that moment? And here is the final and most important question: can you identify the relationship you are having with your child during a toddler temper tantrum? What is the message that you are giving your child in that very moment?
May you find some educational and creative information on this website for your so precious journey. Please do let us know your thoughts and questions in the comment box and we would be happy to guide you with your learning by adding more valuable relevant information.
May we together inspire each and every parent. Toddlers have frustrations – this is the way the brain is designed to learn and to grow. May you learn to grow into a joyful parent child relationship because this is your foundation for all the years to come. Empower yourself and start enjoying your toddler!
Halka & Karoline
A wonderful DVD that is easy on your mind, entertaining but at the same time extremely resourceful is Dr Havey Karps DVD or book: The happiest Toddler on the block.
Here is Dr Harvey Karp, celebrated pediatrician and child development expert with some insights into the toddler’s world.
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